The SCRUMmunist Manifesto
A spectre is haunting the world of software development — the spectre of SCRUMmunism. All the powers of old IT have entered into a holy alliance to exorcise this spectre.
Where is the party in opposition that has not been decried as SCRUMmunistic by its opponents in power? Where is the opposition that has not hurled back the branding reproach of SCRUMmunism, against the more advanced opposition methodologies, as well as against its reactionary adversaries?
Two things result from this fact:
I. SCRUMmunism is already acknowledged by all IT powers to be itself a power.
II. It is high time that SCUMmunists should openly, in the face of the whole world, publish their views, their aims, their tendencies, and meet this nursery tale of the Spectre of SCRUMmunism with a manifesto of the party itself.
To this end, SCRUMmunists of various nationalities have assembled in a secret location and sketched the following manifesto, to be published in the English, Python, Rust, Go, Ruby and R languages.
The principles behind the SCRUMmunism are dicated by the people and the manifesto itself belongs to the people. Everyone is encouraged to distribute cyclostyled copies of the manifesto to fellow SCRUMmerades at every corner.
The SCRUMunism follows three simple principles. These principles are in stated by the people in the only interst of the people, and they are meant to liberate the fellow SCRUMmerades from the yoke of the bourgeoisie.
I. Identity — The participants of the SCRUMmunism are referred as SCRUMmerades by their fellow SCRUMmerades. Every group of SCRUMmerades is called a Party and they work for the people and for the greater good of SCRUMmunism. Each Party is lead by a SCRUMmissaire who speaks for the people. The word of the people is law as the people is always right. Non aligned members of the Party are sent to produce Post-Its to be used on the gulag-board by the SCRUMmerades loyal to the people. Moreover, their image must be cancelled by the Party's pictures and their profiles from GitHub. Problems do not exist in a SCRUMmunist Party — as for SCRUMmunism is perfect — and for this reason there is nothing to retrospect about. Retrospective is an heritage of a long gone bourgeois past
II. Planning, planning, planning — Every two weeks there is a plenary session to establish the items to work on in the next 5 years (the quinquennial marathon planning). The SCRUMmissars of different Parties meet periodically in the SCRUMmunist Central Committee which speaks for the people. Every SCRUMmissar then returns to the Party bringing the will of the people. Every year, in October, the SCRUMmunist International meets in a secret location to praise the people and SCRUMmunism. The "customer" does not exist in SCRUMmunism as it represents an inglorious heritage of a bourgeois world. Work is done by the people, for the people and under the direction of the people.
III. Work for the people — Every morning, at 5.00am, the Party meets in front of the gulag-board and the SCRUMmissar assigns the task for the day. The SCRUMmerades never discuss the items because the people cannot be wrong. Every SCRUMmerade works on the same items of the other SCRUMmerades, the results are then merged and committed through the "ppl" system account because there is no ownership of the code. The code belongs to the people and to the people only.
Let the ruling classes tremble at a SCRUMmunistic revolution. The programmers have nothing to lose but their chains. They have a world to win.
Programmers of all countries, unite!
I had a couple of awkward discussions and, yes: this is meant to be ironic.